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Superhero midgets, big clubs and Barsha - By Rebecca Wicks

I like midgets. I have one as a friend. Well, we’re facebook friends, so technically we’re aware of one another’s existence, which is good enough for me. I don’t think there are quite enough of them around, though. The one I know visits the Lodge a lot but I never see him clothes-shopping in the mall, or cruising the ski-slope, or out to lunch at MaccyD’s, supersizing his coke so much that he threatens to explode. Maybe I just miss him, because he’s small.

But if I was a midget, I’d be the loudest, most gregarious, most in-yer-face person the world had ever almost-not-seen. I would wear a tray on my head and charge huge amounts for my tiny table service. I’d dress up for children’s parties. I’d squeeze unseen into people’s cars and act as a spy for those wives who worry about cheating husbands. I’d live in a mini-castle made from gingerbread and drive a converted golf-buggy, draped in white silk and dressed to look like a unicorn.

And on weekends, I would work at the new King Nightclub.

I heard about it last night. It’s opening soon in Barsha, behind the MOE, in one of the new hotels that’s just been finished. Apparently it’s set to be the biggest club in the city – a cavernous, 13,000 square foot mass of underground madness that plays all kinds of music and might let you jump up and down without getting kicked out for being “uncool”. I might get lost inside, but as a midget employee I’d be working with “minor” talents like myself, and dressed in superhero costumes, so I’d soon be found. I’d shine, like I always dreamed I would. I’d stand out and not be stood on.

Even through non-midget eyes, King sounds like nothing Dubai’s ever seen before. Descriptions of this new, promised land had us girls wide-eyed in wonder as we listened in the kitchen last night. We were simply doing what girls do best when left to their own devices – sipping cocktails, comparing gynecologists, and…. talking about midgets. We all agreed, aside from the Lodge, there’s never been a place for quirks as well as alcoholic perks. As well as dirt-cheap drinks (17dhs for a beer, allegedly!), weird and wacky lighting, fittings and furniture, and an extra mesmerizing “hole–in–the–wall” set-up, Kings will break every one of Dubai’s luxury-laced rules with superhero little people and… wait for it… grannies, delivering drinks in shopping trolleys.

Admittedly I woke up in a Malibu-induced haze this morning and wondered if I’d made it all up. A cool club in Dubai? A cool club in Dubai that doesn’t take the mick with the liquor bills? A cool club in Dubai that lets you wear what you want, doesn’t have an arrogant door policy, AND hires midgets in costumes and grandmas with shopping trolleys? One that has free drinks for ladies on Wednesdays because everyone is bored with Tuesdays and quite frankly, a Thursday hangover is far easier to deal with because you only have to swivel 8 hours away at your desk before the weekend?

But nope. Not a dream. With a distinguished and highly successful management team straight from the UK, including an ex Jean Paul Gautier male model as Operating Partner (as if you needed any more incentive to visit than the midgets) King is definitely based firmly in the kingdom of reality. In fact, when I think of all the other superficial, snobbish establishments I’ve been forced to air-kiss my way about for the past two years, it’s bound to give the bar-scene a kick up the proverbial back-end when it opens later this month.

Sadly, in reality I’m far too big to be a midget, although perhaps I could add a few more friends to the facebook list? In fact, do you think…. as a monstrously tall 5 foot 4, I might get to them quicker if I go for the job as a granny?

Posted: 07 May 2009

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